Live from Dallas it's WrestleMania!
The grandest stage of them all!
This is the day that anybody who loves pro wrestling gathers to watch history as it's being made.
The pre-show was stuff nobody cared for which is why you don't have to give WWE a form of payment to watch it.
Kalisto over Ryback.
Brie put Naomi in the Yes Lock because Daniel Bryan retired. More of these shenanigans later.
Lita came out and helped wash whatever that last match was away and presented the WWE Women's Championship Title which should go a long way in restoring the prestige that the division deserves. The winner of Charlotte/Sasha/Becky will be the first WWE Women's Champion! Find out who won later on.
Then came The Usos vs The Dudley Boyz and what will begin the long running gag of this review of "Why is This Even Happening?!"
Look, when The Dudley Boyz returned is I thought I saw the plan in play. The Dudley Boyz come from TeeEnnAyYayYay so they can win the Tag Titles a 10th time and get into the Hall of Fame with them and then drop the belts at the RAW After Mania.
For a while this was looking like what was going to happen and then they lost to New Day twice for the titles. Then they wheeled out Tommy Dreamer because ECDUBUYA and after that ended up in a feud with The Usos that has been going on way longer than it should've.
In even this I thought it was something in play here such as a passing of the torch or something. However, I was wrong about that too. The Dudley Boyz didn't make it into the Hall of Fame and are wrestling The Usos on the Kickoff Show because whatever.
The Usos won the match but again I must ask "Why is This Even Happening?!"
With the preliminaries out of the way is we get to the show proper.
The show started off with a combination that nobody could've ever predicted...Kelsey Grammer X Fort Minor!
Let that roll around in your head for a second.
So let's get to the sports entertainment!
For the 2nd year in a row the opening match is a 7-man Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match. Now I don't know if this is just laziness or last year's was better than I remember but this smells of lazy booking. Regardless of this is the match was pretty good even if it was a spotfest of ladders. The end of this match I don't think anybody saw coming but in retrospect it makes sense. Kevin Owens is ready to be a part of the WHC picture and with Zack Ryder winning is that it opens this chance up for him but he'll still be a part of the IC picture for a minute more before that bump up.
Next is Styles/Jericho and I can only ask again "Why is This Even Happening?!"
They stayed with this feud way too long in the first place. After AJ took the best of 3 is AJ should've started to feud with someone else and Jericho should've recorded some Fozzy songs and went about his business. This match was a waste of both men and if this how this was going to be is that it should've been booked in a way to make this match in the feud worth a whole lot more if it's going to be at Mania. The worst part is Jericho won and I'm asking how does this make sense at all?
The revenge of Sting/HHH from last year?
This doesn't take away that this was an amazing match where they showed out but again it lacks impact because this was something dragged out way to long to have the stakes matter. AJ will bounce back from this and hopefully get a run with the WHC before Seth comes back.
Next was The New Day/League of Nations and this happened...
They popped out of a giant box of Booty-O's dressed in Saiyan Armor! I know New Day Rocks but...NEW! DAY! ROCKS!
Everything following this moment I have a problem with!
First, "Why is This Even Happening?!"
The Tag Team Champs are in a non-title match at Mania and because of this the result of this contest was easy to see...The League of Nations won.
I can only ask again, "Why is This Even Happening?!"
Just a waste of time!
It gets better though!
After the win, Wade Barrett starts to speak and then he proceeds to say key words that let you know that something's about to happen that shouldn't.
Then you hear the moans of a lady and here comes HBK because this a WrestleMania in Texas so this was expected.
Then you hear the sound of a car crash and here comes Mick Foley because it's a day that ends in the letter Y.
Then you hear the sound of glass shattering and out comes Stone Cold because this a WrestleMania in Texas so this as well was expected.
The thing you expect to happen does and the heroes of yesteryear with a small assist from The New Day stand tall because nostalgia sells.
Except for Mr. ↑↑↓↓, Austin Creed AKA Xavier Woods got a Stunner because they always get my folks Woods to sell this stuff!
Again I ask, "Why is This Even Happening?!"
Moving on, Lesnar/Ambrose in a "No Holds Barred Street Fight."
I look into the Magic 8 Ball and ask once more..."Why is This Even Happening?!"
At some point after the Rumble to me it was looking like Brock & Undertaker were going to team up against Bray Wyatt & the Family but for some reason instead of Dean being in the main event for the WHC and Brock doing something else other than this is we get this "No Holds Barred Street Fight."
It wasn't much of either even though we all love passing by Suplex City and having lunch there.
The wildest the match got was a bunch of chairs in the middle of the ring and a whole bunch of Release Homeland Suplexes.
Here's a couple questions I wish to answer for my own sake.
Did Dean use the chainsaw Terry Funk gave him? No.
Did Dean use the Barbed Wire Bat Mick Foley gave him? Technically. Then Brock dodged the shot and F5'd him into said pile of chairs and picked up the victory.
Another match while great to watch was a waste of both men. Sensing a pattern here yet?
After this, the Hall of Fame Class of 2016 got their shine which included The Godfather, Stan Hansen, The Big Boss Man, Miss Jackie Moore, Warrior Award Recipient Joan Lunden, Celebrity Inductee Snoop Dogg/Lion/Zilla/Whatever Animal He's Channeling Right Now & THE ICON STING who had to retire because he was doing things in the ring with Seth Rollins he had no damn business doing!
Sting not being able to go had a dramatic effect on the final outcome of this card and that's a shame.
Next up was the Triple Threat for the Women's Championship and this was the Match of the Night easy! However, that finish left a bit to be desired which gave Charlotte the win. If you watch no other match from WrestleMania then make it this one. All 3 competitors left it in the ring and deserve all the praise due for that performance!
Time to play everybody's favorite game..."Why is This Even Happening?!"
This shouldn't have been a Triple Threat match. They had a wonderful opportunity to do something special with Sasha/Becky like they did back in the day with Benoit/Booker T and let one of them earn the right at a shot at the then Divas Championship but nobody could make up their damn mind so there was that screwy finish on RAW and then the interference by Charlotte on the following SmackDown which led to this.
The preceding doesn't take away what those women did in that ring. I just need somebody to do something instead of not doing anything at all. I'd appreciate that very, very much!
I wonder with this new emphasis on calling the ladies "Superstars" is what does this mean for the name of Total Divas?
Next was Shane/Undertaker and what happened was expected fare. Shane dived off Hell in a Cell and The Undertaker won.
Y'all know what time it is! "Why is This Even Happening?!"
Shane shouldn't be fighting The Undertaker for these stakes! He should be fighting his sister and brother-in-law for them but those people are indisposed at the moment and happen to be involved in the Main Event match of this same card where neither of them belong because them being involved in said match makes no sense even given their actual status in it.
The Undertaker should've retired after WrestleMania 28!
I say this because Undertaker/HHH 2 was the match where it was all out there. They touted the match as the "End of an Era" and that's what it should've been!
Undertaker should've walked off into the sunset after that, took his Hall of Fame ring and just chilled out.
I say this because Punk could've ended The Streak and done something great with it but we know he's found peace with his wife and his appearance in UFC 2 elsewhere.
I say this because Brock did nothing with the prestige of beating The Undertaker and The Streak at all! All it did was lead up to a feud that nobody was invested in even though the matches delivered.
I say this because if The Streak was going to end is that it should've ended with his WrestleMania 31 opponent of Bray Wyatt who could've used it. However, the mismanagement of Bray Wyatt has been a thing since he orbited JUAN CENA WINS LOL and he hasn't been the same since. More of this later.
Points stand. Great match. No reason for The Undertaker to be involved in this at all.
Next, The Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal and for some reason Shaq-Fu Diesel Steel was involved before being eliminated and then Baron Corbin won.
I won't even waste time asking that question about this. That's how little this matters.
Then the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders came out because again this is Texas and right now I wish Dallas didn't get canceled.
Soon after, THE GREAT ONE APPEARED and then...
Remembering he starred in that DOOM movie we never ever talk about is he proceeded to play with a flamethrower because whatever I guess.
Season 2 of Ballers coming this Summer!
THE GREAT ONE did what THE GREAT ONE usually does at this point and let the crowd know they "allegedly" set an attendance record and what transpired after this brought it right back...
"Why is This Even Happening?!"
Bray Wyatt & the Family appeared and it was at this point I started to question this soap opera I watch because I watch it.
This turned into an impromptu match between THE GREAT ONE and Erick Rowan and what happened next proved what I already knew..."The winners write the history and the losers should be happy to be a footnote in it!"
THE GREAT ONE hits The Rock Bottom on Rowan beating him in 6 seconds.
Previously on WWE...At WrestleMania 28, that same one where The Undertaker should've went home and stayed there is the opening match was Daniel Bryan vs Sheamus where Sheamus beat Bryan in 18 seconds.
Daniel Bryan at this point of his existence wants to impregnate Brie Bella and plant more stuff in his vegan yard or whatever!
However because he was dropped on his brain a bunch when he did wrestle is he retired.
So now that this happened is WWE doesn't want to look like complete and total jackasses for something that should've never happened in the first place so they send Rowan to do the favor so nobody looks like a jackass except the wrestler who's going to be doing this for some years yet just lost to the guy who's going to be in a movie remake of Baywatch with Zac Efron IN 6 SECONDS!
The movie adaptation of the video game Rampage coming soon!
Note to self: Play Rampage World Tour when you get the chance!
What if I told you it doesn't stop here.
After THE GREAT ONE has erased Daniel Bryan's disgrace from the books is Bray Wyatt & the Family got ready to mount an attack and it was at this moment he appeared...
JUAN CENA SUCKS WINS LOL IS AT WRESTLEMANIA!
They proceed to vanquish Bray Wyatt & the Family in the way this stuff happens and then all the stuff that usually proceed this happens as well.
Finally we reach the Main Event nobody wanted with HHH/Reigns.
Steph looking as fine as always and HHH went with something less elaborate and corporate tie-in that worked a whole lot better.
After that ROMAN WON LOL!
Go home and hold that L!
Can I have "Why is This Even Happening?!" for $2000, Alex?
Alex Trebek: "Your Clue...The Main Event of WrestleMania 32?"
"Who is Vincent Kennedy McMahon!"
Alex Trebek: "That's correct and you still have control of the board!"
They were booing Roman so bad is they muted the crowd mics.
Steph took a spear for some reason.
Nobody wanted this.
Well that isn't necessarily true.
Roman Reign's demo wanted it and so they got it!
So if you aren't them then you'll have to live with it.
Unless something happens on the RAW After Mania where they can repair this somehow with those not of that demographic is that this going to be a disaster that may not be fixable.
We shall see.
Not the best WrestleMania ever but I was entertained and that's what matters!
Now, let us begin anew!
A new chapter in WWE is about to begin...
-Triple Da G.O.D!